FOREVER

My head hurts. To define its quality, it's throbbing. Harsh pain, if i must say. I don't want to feel this pain. Ever.

I am all confused with what happened. A sudden shift of affection has made me in crisis. I thought it was okay to get used to the longing, the attachment and the like. I really haven't learned yet. I think it's how life works. You need to learn on your own, and though people may make you believe that you don't deserve to be alone, don't totally give in. Just savor the moment, but never ever, dream of making it last.

I still believe in forever. But, I guess it exists once in a blue moon. I still don't lose hope. Someday, i know i can understand where "FOREVER" exists. I still hold on to that faith. Maybe, forever is about living this life to the fullest. Or, forever maybe about holding on to your belief and that no one could break it.

:) Again, I have learned another lesson. And, that is to be strong FIRST in being alone. :) I can do it. If other people can, why can't I? I am not different from them, I am also human :) I can do this. And if ever i find problem so big, so what?? I have a bigger God :)

hoping,
Andrea

graduation tomorrow

searching for a cool make up for tomorrow's graduation :) pretty excited for tomorrow's event :) hehehe

i love it. i'm done with college. what could be next? this really is it.

Plans 2011

i need to put things in the right track, with the help of God, of course.

first, i need to pass the board exam. second, i need to be a businesswoman at the age of 21. :) i really want to manage my finances well. after waiting for the boards, i need to search for a job. i need to work to earn. the next will be, a healthy lifestyle. i need to promote my body's stamina and speed in an active lifestyle. after searching for a job, knowing what results will be from the board exam, i need to undergo training to enhance my skills and experiences relevant to my profession. when i earn, i need to save to build a house in Cavite. and i hope along the way, i will get the chance to change my surname na. :) in God's will.

planning,
Andrea

it's all my fault

it's all my fault. it's all my fault.

rea

One step at a time

eto na talaga yata yung time na dapat maging okay na ako. wala na talaga kmi ni ryan. everything changed so sudden. lahat ng dreams naging shattered na. lahat ng plans ko, wala na. lahat ng akala kong iba sa amin, wala na.

i was accused of a mistake that i never really wanted to happen. you know sometimes that feelings revolves in blaming yourself or the other for a happening that occurred. but the true thing is, it is nobody's fault. there is only one person i haven't forgiven yet, and it's myself.

i pray for one thing, lord God, please grant me acceptance. there is the room for acceptance that ryan can never forgive me so easily because of his mistrust which was caused by his ex-girlfriend. it was me who suffered, but from that, i learned.

i couldn't study. honestly. but i guess, i need to already. i can never pass this exam with this bothering thoughts in my head. i don't want to be stuck in here. i know he'll be okay.

things were not the way it used to be. and, i guess, i need to accept it that way. i'm no longer the queen i've always felt. i'm now just a simple woman left out with no apparent reason at all. just because of a single picture that he saw. and, that picture is like, 2 years ago.

i don't want to brag on how i cope with his betrayal before. i'm happy that i did forgive him several times. but i guess, now is the consequence, it will really never be mutual for the two of us. i'm scared, honestly, because if we would be okay, it's my conscience that will bear the burden. i'll keep on doubting him because this time, i know he can have the guts to fool behind me. He's got his reasons not to be faithful to me anymore. I strove to have it, you know, his trust. Proving him that a woman can love him so dearly and faithfully, but fate does really have ways, maybe it's just not meant to be. i have already lost hope. the way he treated me that past few days, it makes me feel worthless. He could really live a life with no 'me' at all. My heart bears the heavy weight and this time, i'm going to make it lighter.

God has His ways. Things are happening this way because God wants me to accept something. I just need to explore more deeply, not just physically but spiritually.

Hoping,
Andrea

broken

i am so lost right now. i'm not the same 'andrea' i used to be. i'm still complete but yet so unfulfilled.

goodbye good times.

broken,
andrea

major major

tumakbo ako kanina. bonggang takbo, i never had the feeling of stopping. i just ran and ran. nagagalit ako sa sarili ko. sa nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon.

bakit kailangan pang mawala to? bakit kailangan ko pang marinig sa kanya yung 'sino ka ba?' sa bibig niya? bakit kailangan kong maranasan to ng pabigla bigla?

i've never been honest that i really wanted to feel assured nowadays. i always kept on understanding the situation. pero last night, i flunked. hindi ko na alam gagawin ko. i wanted to make it last. sobrang i wanted to be the BEST for him. :( but we ended up, misunderstood. i have questions ngayon na hindi ko man lang nakuhaan ng sagot. and now, it's gone. :(

and swertehin ka nga naman, may incident report pa ako. nice one. grabe, what a day. this is so freaking not my day.

erg,
Andrea 'loser' 'busted' 'dumped' 'worthless' 'useless'
:(

:(

hindi ko maiwasang hindi magisip. nakita ko siya kanina and sobrang thankful ko na nakita ko siya. nakakalungkot nga eh, kasi hindi ko man lang siya nayakap. ang unfair talaga ng life, pero sobrang tanggap ko na hindi ko siya nahawakan man lang sa kamay or whatsoever. grabe, he is so the one i truly love. kahit hindi ko napakita physically, but deep inside of me,i know that i love the person i see.

kailngan ko na magreview.

sana ako lang

may nakita akong friend kanina, actually, hindi ko nga alam bakit lately ganon parati ang mga bungad sa akin na mga tanong, "Andrea, musta na kayo?", sagot ko (with all smiles) "okay lang kami, ganon pa rin". "Ah mare, kayo pa rin?" masaya niyang tanong. "oo naman". :) "tuwing kailan kayo nagkikita" tanong ulit niya. Sheeks, parang grabe, honga, 'tuwing kailan'? diba?

sa totoo lang, i never saw how rare we meet. feeling ko nga, nakuha ko ng tanggapin na once in a blue moon lang kami nagkikita. alam mo, ever since, hindi ko pinansin yun. hindi dahil sa alam kong busy siya, kundi dahil alam kong hindi naman kailangan na parati kami magkita, kasi kaya ko. :) kaya ko ng wala si Ryan, pero ayoko ng wala siya. alam ko rin naman na gusto rin niya ng ganon, yung maging strong ako. hindi yung tulad ng iba, nagiging mahina kapag nawala lang yung partner sa tabi.

gusto ko maging iba sa lahat ng babae. gusto ko maging iba sa paningin niya. sana nga lang, kahit malayo siya, akin parin siya. sana....

hoping
Andrea

Ang bilis ng panahon.

Hehe. Nawala nanaman yung track ko with my study habits. Starting tomorrow, aral na ako. Magaaral na talaga ako ulit. I am trying to adjust din kasi. Whew. Kaya yan.

Nagaayos na kami ng mga prc forms. Hehe. Grabe, sobrang lapit na ng graduation. Ang bilis talaga ng panahon. Gagawin kong memorable ang mga remaining years ko as a college student. In few moments time, magwowork na ako. Hehe.

Always think positive! Makakapasa din ako. Hindi naman ako pababayaan ni God. I just have to do my part.

Positive,
Andrea

Diabetes Mellitus

gusto ko maging geek ngayon. Part I

Diabetes

Una, what is diabetes? Diabetes is known as a condition wherein the insulin is either in low levels or ineffective. There are two types daw:

diabetes mellitus type 1: dahil lang sa hindi nakakapagproduce ng insulin ang beta-cells (dahil to sa islets of Langerhans ng pancreas), walang insulin ang katawan thus nakakapagresult ng hyperglycemia. (tip: alalahanin mo na yung type 1, ibig sabihin, walang kinalaman ang ibang organs, dahil 1 lang siya). diabetes mellitus type 2: ito naman yung dahil sa hindi napapansin yung insulin o yung tinatawag na insulin resistance at ineffective yung insulin na dapat nagrereact sa mga receptors ng organs.

marami kasing function ang insulin:
a. yun nga, yung alam natin na nagbibigay daan sa glucose na pumasok sa cells
b. siya rin yung nagstistimulate ng glycogen (stored glucose) sa liver at muscles
c. ito yung nagsasabi sa liver na wag ng mag-secrete ng glucose
d. ito rin yung nageenhance ng storage ng fats sa adipose tissue
e. tapos pinapabilis din niya yung amino acids papasok ng cells

kapag lahat to, nagkaron ng defect, nagkakaron ng tinatawag natin na "diabetes mellitus".

ang mga dapat tandaan kapag naghehealth teaching sa taong may DM ay ang self-care at diet modalities.

normal levels ng glucose sa may DM na ay 180-200 mg/dL.

oh well. trying to forget everything na, i hope i can concentrate on this. i wish that i could be the best that i can be as a student.

i think i get the point na, i need to be studying well kasi he is giving me the extra time that i need para makapagaral. i think i understand him na. look oh, kahit na nakailang text na ako, he is not returning any of my messages. kasi nga, he wants me to study well. iba talaga kapag matured yung tao, you learn from them, kahit nonverbal.

i hope he is okay. may sakit kasi siya eh. balang araw, i know that i can take care of him. sabi nga niya, last night, everything will be alright. one step at a time daw. and according to him, he really understands me raw and he will do his best to make me forget everything.

i hope everything will be in the right place. In God's name, i know it will be.

Hoping,
Andrea

Erg

darn it. Sumabog na ako. Ganon pala ang pakiramdam kapag nagtago ka ng sama ng loob. Kapag inisip mo yung peace sa inyong dalawa, pero yung issue sinarili mo. Sobrang nakakaloka. Biruin mo nakapag open ako ng wala sa oras kasi masyado na contain sa dibdib ko yung mga concerns ko. Naging aggravating factor yung pagbasa ko sa lintik na mail na yan. Dapat hindi ko na lang binasa. Dapat hinayaan ko na lang.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung maganda yung pag open ko sa kanya. Kasi, kung hindi man, dapat ma settle na agad. Mahirap kasi ang magreview na may distractions.

Kaya ko to. At least nasabi ko na. Yung consequences? Tsaka ko na aalamin. At least diba? Luwag na sa dibdib.

Erg,
Andrea

overslept

uh-oh. i am not feeling diligent today. i overslept again. i always do the same thing and feel the same guilt and regret. i should have changed my body clock instantly. soon, i know i will get adjusted.

we will be tackling about pedia tomorrow. I hope i could take it once (post exam). I really want to pass big time. :) i don't want competition to the other examinees, i want to compete with myself. :) i have already prepared my things for tomorrow so as not to cause stress.

the call time tomorrow would be 7:15am since we were also assigned with the other stuff. I am excited. I don't know what my system will be, will i feel lethargic as i listen to the instructor? or, will i pay attention to him/her because she/he is really good in teaching? hahaha, everyday, whew, everyday for me, starting today! will be an exciting day!

loving it,
Andrea

mind set

we had been taught about imci. sheesh, once i saw the video, i sympathize their predicament. grabi, kung makikita niyo lang yung itsura ng mga babies, para wala silang magagawa sa sitwasyon nila. i swear.

maraming mga assessment ang daming gawin. pero i am getting interested sa dapat gawin. sana kapag naging nurse ako, i can be a very competent one. gusto ko talaga maging magaling na nurse. i really get confused on what i really wanted to be before, kung gusto ko ba ituloy yung nursing o hindi but today, i am so sure of what i want to be. i just need to put a positive mind set.

magaaral ako mabuti. kakayanin ko to. para diba? kung sakali, i can help.

i hope,
Andrea

just to say it over a blog

Erg. I miss Ryan. I know he gets busy all the time. And, I tend to get busy as well. But, I really miss him. Sometimes, I just wish that I could see him most of the time to replenish the longing. But, I know, it's not yet the right time.

I am getting used to being alone. Honestly, I tend to get envious with other relationships because they really see each other, you know. Something like that. But, even though we are so distant from each other, this feeling goes stronger everyday. It's as if it never ceases, it just grows.

I miss him. What more can I do than to express my feelings here in this blog. I want to be with him even for awhile...even just for awhile. If time won't let me, I'll be...

Sad,
Andrea

distractions

grabe talaga yung distractions. haha! :) last night i was about to finish pedia concepts but i got engrossed with Criminal Minds on the Fox channel. And now, :) i get distracted by the internet. DISCIPLINE. so easy to say it, but once you're there, it's really quite a challenge.

And, now, goal for the day! FOLLOW THE SCHEDULE. :) this would benefit me naman diba?

Distracted,
Andrea

this will pay off.

Done with medical surgical and pharmacology. I had satisfactory grades. One thing i realized when you need the hardwork, always have fun.

I am here in the library. Hoping to achieve my aspiration to pass, i really want to enjoy studying. Isn't it nice to learn new concepts about different things? Oh well, time to study.

This hardwork will really pay off.

Determined,
Andrea

a valentines day

"bakit hindi ka dinate?", "bakit wala kang bulaklak?", "oh nasan siya?". my response? It's okay. Hayaan niyo na. Busy siya sa trabaho.

February 14 was the day known for couples. You know what, ever since I opened my mind up about Valentines day, I always wanted to feel the way other girls feel.

I was in church awhile ago. Its tradition that we do the uplifting of the hands whenever the "Ama Namin" is in tune. I closed up my right hand imagining that I'm holding someone else's. (I felt teardrops flowing in my eyes). Deep inside, I knew that I got hurt. But, deeper inside, I accepted it. I accepted the fact that I was there...and I realized that I was never alone because God was there to date me =')

All along, as long as God is there, valentines won't only be in the 14th of February. I knew he was there to make me the prettiest girl in the world. He made me safe. God even showed me the way to His place where most of the religious artifacts were. I prayed the prayers written there. (Actually, I was just trying to void in a restroom, I accidentally stepped foot on the place, amazing huh?). It was just inside the church.

I totally understood Ryan's situation. I don't want to hide grudges. That's why I suppressed myself with the teasing from others. I would also remember what Tita Lerio told me, "Take care of your heart". I wish it could be easy, but yes, I will take care of my heart. For this heart is fragile, and this heart is God-given.

I am strong. :) And, Valentines day, whether it's with the "Happy" or not will never degrade me as a woman. :) It's just a tradition. I can make my everyday, a Valentines day.

Relieved,
Andrea

nobody can stop me.

Gee this was a very mind wrecking day. But it was quite a challenge. I had several takes for the two subjects which were ob-gyne nursing and community health nursing. I was really enjoying the difficulty. However, this particular review center had numerous mistakes. The whole class was agitated to rationalize the questions. It really gave us a bad impression.

I am going to do better now. I know it will take a long way but i dont care, all i need is the hardwork and the determination to pass.

I believe that i can do this. I will start off with maintaining discipline with my schedule. Say no more often. And, learn how to prioritize. Go go go!

In the library,
Andrea

Starting to be better

I woke up by about past 10 in the morning. Darn it, i was supposed to wake up by 5 am to do my exercise. However, because of the glory of hitting the sack, i decided to bulge in my laziness (twas not really a good thing to emulate). I took brunch with Dad. The food was fantastic. He always cooked like a professional chef. It was his skill that I really loved so much. He cooked this pechay, vegetables and pork meat. It was out of this world. :) After completing my afternoon with a tasty meal, I decided to study. (oh goodness, at last). But, the wrong move was, I still slept for several hours.

I felt my head ache like forever. I lied down with my most comfortable position and found myself dreaming already. I even dreamt of an acquaintance committing suicide. Wow, what a nightmare. Out of the blue, I woke up by the afternoon, fortunately, twas way several hours before my church service. I had the hunch that I will be assigned as the commentator today. I felt myself in mild anxiety but it was tolerable.

Never expected to (finally) get out of bed, I finished taking a shower and get prepared for my Sunday worship. My hunch was accurate, I was the commentator for today. We were only two persons in the church. The rest were absent. Thank God I attended for my churchmate would do the service all by herself.

We started few minutes late. The microphone was too audible, so I modulated the volume of my voice. I assisted Rev. Fr. Rolando P. Garcia. He was a medium-sized guy in his mid-30s, I think. God used him to deliver a very inspiring homily. It was about the ten commandments. I felt God wanted to share a message about firm obedience and unbreakable discipline in accordance to his laws or as we all know, 10 commandments.

I have this attitude of not voicing out my anger or my disappointments. I learned that hiding this negative emotions implies 'murder'. Meaning, even without the act of killing a person, keeping a thought against someone is also similar to killing a person little by little. There was also about lust. Even without the act of copulating with the opposite sex but imagining yourself doing the act with that person may also indicate adultery. (oh my...)

Everything must be according to his will. For Father Rolando said, "mapalad ang mga sumusunod sa kautusan ng Diyos (blessed are those who obey the laws of the Lord)" This is so true. That's why I see it as a challenge to be the best person for the Lord and not for somebody else. Applying it is far more difficult than saying it in this blog.

After the mass, we went home. I bought coffee to keep myself up. I don't want to procrastinate anymore. It would give me this guilt and regret that would linger on me forever. Erg. I hope this time things will work out well. In God's name.

I'm pretty excited for the results of my hardwork. I am looking forward for my accomplishments. :) I know God will never forsaken me. This week, I will study hard but pray harder. Mindset? Go for excellence...and I will do it!

Sheesh, I hope my dad would go home soon. He keeps on drinking alcoholic beverages. He never listens to my health teachings. He doesn't realize the effects of excessive alcoholic drinking. Mom's going home soon, I guess like about 24 days to go. wuhoo! :) I am going to be the happiest daughter ever. =)

I love you Lord,
Andrea